As much as I hate the pain of being in constant carousel of people, landscapes feelings and lifestyles I can’t imagine being in one place for good. I am afraid the only meaning that keeps me going is the open door that are left open for my curiosity, escape and love.
Indeed it may seem quite neurotic. It also means complete inability to make decisions that are final and that could anyhow determine other things and other people. Indeed for the last couple of months I have been not only travelling back and forth between UK, Krakow and Warsaw, but also I moved houses in London four times. Crazy. Hate myself for it. So does dear Pawel. On the bigger picture indeed all my life trajectories, and I honestly think there is more than one, are somehow constantly disrupted, interrupted and never set, never planned and always in the process of partly- planned and partly- spontaneous last -minute creation.
I live in a couple of peoplespaces, ideaspaces, culturespaces. London inspires me and drives my constant curiosity, it takes me to mature – land in the independent and not wifely way. I kind of like myself more here. It gives me energy and yes, pretty often takes me to the state of euphoria as well as complete depression.My friends make it cosy and loving for me. Places I love make it exciting, and addictive, oh and very fast. Yet, certainly I am from elsewhere. Not because I feel alien here, but because I want to feel part of elsewhere. When I come THERE, after initial mixture of weirdness, I do feel home, familiar and in the right place - in my place. I switch to „home‘ mode instantly. Mrs Kazia as always sells veggies, saturday newspapers feel like I had never stopped reading them. It all feels like I haven’t missed on anything, nothing has really changed. I switch instantly to my other life – with people I love, places where I meet friends. Back in London, feel alone and alien at first instance, I hate the emotional pain of feeling alone at the airport. Yet it takes few hours to melt into my second life that runs flawless, feels natural, like I had always lived here.
But in between is not only about living in two or more different places at the same time. Life in between is really about not letting to frame you in a one-dimensional way, in one box, in one bubble. I guess first of all is about forcing yourself out of your comfort- zone all the time. For many months I felt so much trapped in the bubble of advertising world – unreal, superficial and workaholic. But yet, certain and comforting in its routine. When I quit Saatchi’s and went back to the university I‘ve suddenly realized that the whole charm of „academic“ looked tempting and fascinating from the outside – deep, inspiring, life and world changing. Inside, I’ve realized that I replaced one bubble with another – claustrophobic, self – obsessed, creating own language and own celebrity culture. Yet, I became a student again, with all exams ahead, with established structure, all the memories of school exams, pain and stress returned. Like Jozek from Ferdydurke. And I cried. And I screamed. And I wanted to get away. I wanted back to my „superficial’ ad world and Ariel brief writing.
So indeed after all this going back and forth I want to officially praise the ‚in between‘ life. Yes it might be annoying for me and Pawel, painful and yes, superficial, cause nothing is for good and nothing is for real. But in essence it helps to draw the most out of my little life, its designed to feed my curiosity. Life in between forces me to look for more and for different, teaches me out –of- the- box thinking, showes the new horizons and indulges my senses to taste the world in all its beauty. It is like a drug that always keeps me walking, sometimes… just for the sake of walking.
Perhaps, I will reach the art of standing still one day. But for now, I need to go.
(to catch 6 am flight tomorrow to krakow)